Or maybe you had a parent who was overbearing and never gave you any personal space. Instead, you learnt to counterbalance this by ridding of your own needs. Or perhaps you had a parent who was emotionally unstable and you feared that by expressing your needs you would end up tipping them “over the edge”. Perhaps they reprimanded you for crying or shut you down whenever you tried expressing the things that were important to you. On the one hand, you might have had parents who were very emotionally detached and aloof. These attachments (or bonds) are formed first with our parent/s (or primary caregiver) and we adopt and carry this way of relating with us into adulthood.įear of intimacy usually happens as a response to abandonment or engulfment – and occasionally both. Attachment theory is the psychological model of how we form emotional bonds. Perhaps the best way to understand fear of intimacy is through attachment theory. Fear of intimacy is ingrained from childhood, and is normally a biological response to the way in which someone was parented. As humans, we’re built to connect on a deep level. So first off, this isn’t something you should be blaming yourself for. It’s important to say that a fear of intimacy is not something someone chooses. It normally takes a series of unstable, non-committal relationships, losing an important relationship or being dragged into couples therapy by a partner to understand that there’s something up. That’s because blocking out emotions becomes second nature, and it’s very difficult to identify something that’s not there a non-experience. One of the biggest problems is that it tends to be the kind of thing which is difficult to recognise in oneself. In fact, it’s thought that around 17% of people struggle with this. If you suspect you have a fear of intimacy, know that you are not alone. This fear typically has the effect of driving a person to pull away anytime a relationship gets too close for comfort. To be intimate with someone means to share your innermost with that person.įear of intimacy then is a deep-seated fear of getting emotionally – and sometimes physically – connected to another person. The word intimacy stems from the Latin word “ intimus” which means “ innermost”. If you relate to any of the above, then you might be suffering from a fear of intimacy. Do you feel like your partner is always making unnecessary demands of you? Trying to encroach on your personal space or constantly trying to talk about their emotions? You might be asking yourself, “What more could they possibly want from me?” Or maybe you’re a lone warrior, and the idea of a relationship fills you with a sense of terror…
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